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Birthday Present for the President Carter.

Birthday Present for the President Carter.


1970s…. Leonid Ilych Brezhnev, General Secretary of Communistic Party of USSR, is celebrating his birthday…….


An interesting package has arrived from America, from the US President Jimmy Carter. It was a big box with the inscription on it:

“This is a Birthday Present for Comrade Brezhnev! Please open strictly on the open field without anybody around!”

Read more...Collapse )

Odessa Jew discussion.

Two Ukrainian Jewish, Abraham and Moisha, from Odessa are talking about the politics.

“You know, Abraham,” -- Moisha said, -- “The modern political situation is very complicated…
To the best of my knowledge, we are in condition of the war with Russia now. Our losses are really terrible. We have lost thousands of soldiers and officers, hundreds of tanks, IFVs, airplanes and helicopters, about quartier of territory …

“And what’s about the losses of Russian army?” – Abraham asked


- Well…. For the time being, Russian army has not arrived to the war!

Jan. 4th, 2014

I planted a tree in my garden with my grandson. "When I am gone you can come to this tree and you will be reminded of me." I said to him.
"Why granddad?" He replied, "will it give me money?"
My wife went to the cinema with her friends last night and left me in charge of our two year old son.
She called me when she got there and said, "Is Jack ok?"
"He's absolutely fine," I replied, "He's in the bath at the moment, you've got nothing to worry about."
"Is he playing with his little yellow duck?" she asked.
I said, "I don't know, I can't see him from the pub."
In a convent in Ireland , the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.."Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."


She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said:
"DON'T SELL THAT COW."
I was at the bus stop today and a young blonde in a short skirt boarded the bus. She didn't have enough money for the fare, so she hitched up her skirt. The driver took one look and waved her on the bus.
The next day I thought I'd try the same. My bus came along. I got on and showed the driver a bit of leg.
He immediately called the police.
So I put the bit of leg back in the black bag and ran off.
And Judas approached the rabbis and pharisees saying "The one whom i kiss is the one you seek"
To which they responed "Gay"

Chukchi man and the taxi driver.

1970s…

Young inhabitant of Chukotka Autonomous Okrug plans to visit Moscow, the capital of the Soviet Union. It is very long trip, and he came to the wise man of his tribe for the advice.

“I need to tell you,” -- the wise man said, -- “that Russians think about us, that we are very naïve and that Russians always try to cheat with Chukchi people. Especially, you need to be very careful with taxi drivers in Moscow. They are very cunning and always try to cheat with Chukchi people. To avoid this, you need to know, that every taxi has an official counter. Always pay exactly according the official taxi counter! Do not forget my advice! This is very important!“

During the visit of Moscow, this young Chukchi man always remembered what wise man told him, and he was very careful with Russians. Once he took a taxi. When it came to the time to pay, taxi driver asked him: “five roubles, please!”

“Five roubles! You want me to pay five roubles! I know, that you think that Chukci people are very naiv and that you try to cheat with me now! No! We, Chukchies, are not naiv! All of the Chukchies are extremely clever people! Tell me now, how much is exactly according the taxi counter!”

Taxi driver was ashamed and disappointed: “Actually, to be honest with you..... According the taxi counter is 3.25....”

“Tree twenty five? Ok! That’s better! So... Now... I give you “One... twenty five”.... “Two.... twenty five ”, “Tree.... twenty five!”” – and he gave 75 roubles to taxi driver!

“And remember, man, remember this for the rest of your life! – Chukchi are extremely clever people! Never try to cheat with Chukchi!”

The inflatable log of Comrade Lenin.

April 1920, Moscow Kremlin, Friday evening.... Everybody is preparing to the National Subbotnik which is dedicated to the birthday of the great leader of Russian Revolution Vladimir Ilyich Lenin.



Felix Dzerzhinsky (Iron Felix), the boss of Cheka, calls Vladimir Lenin….


Картинка 300x241, 45.80 КБCollapse )

Challenger crash-1

After the “Challenger” crash.

Russian joke of the Perestroika epoch.

January 28, 1986, couple of hours after the crash of the american space shattle “Challenger”.


White house, the office of American president Ronald Wilson Reagan….
Henry Alfred Kissinger, legendary american anti-soviet politician, tells this terrible news to the President Reagan: “Mr President! Terrible thigs had happened! Russians exploded our bets space shattle “Challenger”! Everything in completely destroyed! Ruined! All of the members of the crew are dead! This is the national tragedy!”

“Bloody hell!” – Reagan creams, -- “This is a total nightmare! Bloody Russians blasted our best space shuttle! We are totally in a Big S***t! I do not even know, what to do…. I do not even know, what to do….

-- Actually… let me think…. Wait… wait a minute! Challenger… Challenger… Challenger… “Challenger” starts with “Ch”… I probably know, what to do! Actually, Henry… you are very educated man. Can you me on thing… you, probably know…. May be, Russians have something, which starts with “ch”?

-- Yes! Russians have something, which starts with “ch”! This is Chernobyl!

Dec. 26th, 2012

I accepted the fact that my mum and dad were actually Santa when I was young, but one thing still bothers me.

How the f* did they get all those gifts to children all over the world in just 24 hours?!

Dec. 11th, 2012

Life as penguin can be frustrating.

Even when you're seriously pissed off and waddle off in a huff, you still look f*cking cute!

Nov. 8th, 2012

An alien from the planet Zarg walks into a small country pub.

"I'll have a pint please." he smiles
The barman says "We don't serve aliens in here."

"If you serve me" replies the alien "I'll buy everyone in here a pint."
"Sorry mate, can't do it, its against the brewery's policy." replies the barman.

"What about, if you invite the whole town for drinks, make it a free bar, and i foot the bill at the end of the night?"

The pound signs light up in the barmans eyes "Ok, you're on."

By the end of the night, everyone, including the Alien, is pissed, the barman says,

"That'll be seven grand please mate!"

The Alien pulls his wallet out and says "Have you got change for a Zonk?"

Nov. 5th, 2012

Blonde goes into the doctors with a burn from an iron on either side of her face.
When the doc asks what she'd done she replies "I was ironing when the phone rang in a moment of confusion I picked the iron up by mistake."
"So what about the other side?" the doctor asks. To which the blonde replies "The bastards rang back!"

Nov. 1st, 2012

I haven't got a twitter account, so I just carry around a megaphone to announce what I'm doing at random times.
I've got three followers so far, but I think two are cops.

Oct. 27th, 2012

I woke up in hospital with no recollection as to why.
"What?" I paused. "Why...Why am I here?
The doctor said, "You were in a very bad car accident."
"What happened?" I asked.
"Well," the doctor replied. "I've got some good news and some bad news."
I said, "Give me the bad news first."
"Your legs were injured so extremely that we had to amputate both of them." he told me.
"Oh my god!" I shouted. "What's the good news?"
He said, "Well, there's a bloke in the next ward...who made a very good offer on your slippers."

Vovochka and King Kong

Soviet joke of 1980s

Vovochka and Maria Ivanovna in the bed.

Soviet Joke of 1980s.

Why Woody is so happy?

Once Woody Allen came back from the work to his home; when he opened the door, he heard the strange noise from the bedroom. Woody went to the bedroom, and he realised that his wife is lying on her back completely naked and that one huge and very muscular man, also naked, is preparing to insert his device into the woman and to commit a sexual act….

Woody tried to argue about this. Man turned his face to him. He appeared to be Arnold Schwarznegger, famous athlete and absolutely unbeatable superhero of Hollywood!

Arny came closer to Woody Allen, grabbed him at the collar, jerked him up and brought him to the kitchen. Shwartz took a piece of chalk; drown the cycle on the floor. After that, he put Woody in the middle of the circle, and told him in very severe way: “Lesson to here, a little freak! Do you see this line! Do you see it clearly? Now remember one thing: you must stay inside of this cycle until the morning! Do not cross this line! If you cross this line even once, than…. you will regret about this! I promise….. you will regret it very much!

After this speech, Arnold has returned back to his pleasant busyness in the bedroom and he was busy until the morning. At the morning he has left the house.

The Woody’s wife came to the kitchen, and she expected to see the husband furious and angry. Contrary to her expectation, Woody laughed happily and was in a very good mood. The wife was very puzzled about his happy behaviour.

Why you are so happy? – she asked? – “You wife is unfaithful to you, do you think that it is funny? Why are you laughing?”

“While you and Schwarzenegger both had a fun in the bedroom, I crossed this line 753 times! ”-- answered Woody very proudly.

Vovochka and 8 of March.

Vovochka and 8 of March

Soviet joke of 1980s

The Blonde Pilot

This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying:

"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

"O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "Repeat after me: Our Father... Who art in Heaven..."

New Russian and racoon.

Democratic post-soviet Russia, 1990s….

Mercedes 600 crashed to the old Zaporozhets. An old and skinny well-mannered man came out of Zaporozhets, he is professor of the university.

2 metres-tall and muscular New Russian came out of Mercedes 600. This strong and angry young man wants to beat old professor to the death!

- You are dead, man! You are dead! I’ll kill now! I am soooo disappointed, man! I’ll kill now!

- Please, wait a second! I think that situation is not so bad, as it seems to you now. Please try to calm down, and we’ll try to negotiate and to solve this problem!

- Are you kidding? Are you kidding, man? You damaged my Mercedes 600! What can you offer me to cover the damage? Your old funny car or what? Why I am even talking with you? I’d better kill you immediately!

Professor remains calm. He goes to his car, opens the door and brings…..a racoon!.....

- Look! This clever hard-working animal could be a very good compensation for the damage which I have done to you! Would you like to negotiate for this racoon?

New Russian became even angrier than before.

- You! Bastard! You are kidding with me! How dare you are? Are you having a fun about me, dead man?

Old Professor, however, remains calm and continues the negotiation.

- Wait! Wait! Calm down! Please, calm down! Listen, young man! Look at this animal! Do not you know that racoons always wash something? They are very clean animals. Those creatures are natural-born washers! This guy will wash your clothes much better than any woman in this world! I guarantee it, man! You will save an enormous amount of money on laundry! I swear, man! I swear!

New Russian, however, went absolutely mad after this explanation.

- Are you humiliating me in purpose, little freak? Why I am spending my time for your mad explanation? OK, man, I’ll kill you now!

Professor, however, does not loose the control and continues the negotiation…

- Calm down! Calm down, man! Look – only you and me here, and nobody else! If you want to kill me, you can do it any minute. Do not be in harry, you have a lot of time to kill me, man! However, if you’ll kill me, what do you gain? Your car is damaged anywhere. But if you want will take this racoon…..Oooooo, man! Oooooo, man! I promise you, you will never regret it!

I need to tell you one more thing. This racoon does the blow job amazingly! This guy will make you happy! I promise it, man! I guarantee it! 100% guarantee! No one woman in this world, no one, man! – even the most expensive whore from the best brothel in Paris, even she can not do anything even close to what this guy will do for you!

New Russian looked surprised after this unexpected turn, and even little bit shocked.

 Are you kidding or are you serious? You can’t be serious! You just can’t! This is a perversion! This is an abnormality! I do not want even think about this crazy perverse possibility! No! No! No!

 Listen, man! There is no sign of perversion in this! We all are living creatures, and, speaking biologically, human beings are also animals! For example, I’ll tell one scientific fact! A group of international researchers proved that people and chimpanzees share about 96% of genome! Scientifically speaking, there is no difference between you and me and this racoon! We are all the same! And also, look at the lips of this racoon! They are gentle, soft, sensitive…. And also…. you can try! Just try! The trial is for free, man! And if you do not like it, you will kill me, and nobody will know about what happened between you and racoon. What are you warring about? You can take this racoon, you can go to the bush and spend couple of minutes together. What is wrong about this? Nothing is wrong about this!

New Russian thinks “Well… OK… Why not just try?” He took a racoon; they went to the bush together and spent couple of minutes there. When he came back he was very happy:

-- OK, man! That’s the deal! I really like your offer!

Professor took his Zaporozhets and went away. New Russian took the racoon and drove his Mercedes 600 to the home. He came out of car with the racoon, he came to the door and rang the door-bell.

The wife of New Russian opened the door. He gave the racoon to the wife and told her:

-- Do you see this little fellow, woman!?! Tomorrow morning you will teach him how to make a coffee… and tomorrow afternoon we are going to divorce!
You got it all wrong.

Mark 11:14 "God Hates Figs"

Two Important Qualities

Some first-year med students were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They had all gathered around the surgery table where a body lay, covered in a white sheet.

The professor entered the room and started the class, "in medicine, it is important to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that he not be disgusted by anything involving the human body"

To demonstrate, he lifted the sheet over the body, stuck his finger in the dead man's anus, pulled it out and sucked on his finger.

"Now you do it," he ordered them.

Many of the students were visibly squeamish, but quickly gave in under the stern gaze of their professor. Each one inserted their fingers into the dead man's butt and then sucked on them.

"Now the second important quality a doctor needs to have," the professor continued when they were finished, "is his ability to notice every detail. For example, none of you had noticed that I had stuck my middle finger into his rectum but sucked on my index finger."

Car Keys

A boat docked in a tiny Greek island.

A tourist complimented the local fishermen on the quality of their
fish and asked how long it took them to catch.

"Not very long." they answered in unison.

"Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?"
The fishermen explained that their small catches were sufficient
to meet their needs and those of their families.

"But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"We sleep late, fish a little, play with our children, and take
siestas with our wives. In the afternoons we have a snack at the beach

Or go into the village to see our friends at the Kafenio,
have a few drinks and play tavli.

In the evenings we go to a taverna play the bouzouki and
sing a few songs, maybe break a plate or two.
We have a full life."

The tourist interrupted,
"I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you!
You should start by fishing longer every day.
You can then sell the extra fish you catch.
With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."

"And after that?"
"With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Athens or even London! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."

"How long would that take?"

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years." replied the tourist.

"And after that?"

"Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting, "
answered the tourist, laughing. "When your business gets really big,
you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the fishermen.

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast.
Sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."

Jun. 10th, 2012

I overheard my wife on the phone to her friend last night.
"I can't wait for next weekend!" she whispered. "We're gonna try all sorts of new positions, and I'm gonna do everything he asks."
It would have been a lovely surprise, but she needs to start checking the calendar, because I'm working away that weekend.
My girlfriend came to my house and said, "I'm thinking of getting a new job."
I winked at her and said, "I've got a job for you," whilst pointing at my crotch.
She said, "No I'm serious!"
"So am I!" I said. "The buttons on my jeans are broke and I want you to fix them."

Jun. 2nd, 2012

A very strict farming father is hearing suitors to see which one he will let take his daughters on a date.
One boy arrives at the house and says "Hi, I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?"
The farmer approves of the boy, and lets his daughter leave.
A second boy arrives and says "Hello, I'm Freddy, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti. Is she ready"
Again, the farmer approves, and lets his daughter leave.
A third boy arrives, and says, "Hi, my names Chuck-"
And the farmer shot him.

May. 27th, 2012

A sergeant major is inspecting his newest recruits and picks on one small lad in the front row.
"What's your name, Private?"
"Pizza."
"I don't think you heard me son. I didn't ask your favourite fucking food. What's your name?"
"Pizza."
"You think you're smart son? I don't want nicknames or any of that street shit. I want your name. The one your mummy gave you. This is your last chance. What is your fucking name."
"Pizza."
The sergeant grabs the helpless soldier and kicks the shit out of him then calls to another lad.
"Let this be a lesson to you all! Take this sack of shit to the medical room!"
"Yes sir" replies the soldier "And what shall I do with Pete's rifle?"

Thinking about the brick.

Once upon the time scientists have been investigating the structure of the mind of the people from different cultures. They placed the red brick in the middle of the big room and asked people from different countries to explain, what they are thinking about when they look at this brick.


First was Russian. He said: “When I see this brick, I am thinking about the Victory of the Communism in the World!”
- Why? How does it related?
- Because brick is very useful thing and it can help soviet people to build the Communism. We can use this brick for the construction of the hospital building. More bricks we have, sooner hospital will be built. Soviet people will be getting a good medical treatment at this hospital. Healthier soviet people will be, sooner the Communism in the World will be accomplished! So….. This brick, in fact, will be participating in the Victory of the Communism in the World!

Second was American. He said: “When I see this brick, I am thinking about the day when I will be rich!”
- Why? How does it related?
- I can sell this brick. Using this money, I will buy a lemon and I will make lemonade and sell it to the tourist. I will make some small money; I will use them to buy corn, to make a pop-corn and to sell to the people at the cinema and to make more money! After that I will buy a piece of land in the desert. One year after that, the geologists will find the oil in this desert, and I will be rich! This brick is, in fact, just a first step for me to become rich!
-

Third was a French man. He said: “When I see this brick, I am thinking about young sexy ladies…”
- What the hell! Why? How does it related?
- - Because I am always thinking about young sexy ladies……
"George, my sisters handwriting is very bad in this letter darling, is that an 'o' or an 'i'?"
"It's the letter 'o' dear"
"Oh my God my brother's shot himself"

May. 9th, 2012

Keeping a woman happy is very easy.

All you have to do is let them win every argument, let her go shopping on your credit card, tell her how beautiful she actually looks, keep texting or calling her every five minutes when you're away, never insult her driving skills and never behave like a sexist in front of her, make her feel like a princess, take care of her and cuddle her every night before she falls asleep in your arms.

Keeping a man happy is very easy.

All you have to do is keep their stomach full and their testicles empty.

May. 8th, 2012

My girlfriend said she's leaving me for another guy because I'm too obssesed with football.

I said, "On loan or transfer?"

Top 10 Dolly Parton Quotes

10. "I wanted to be the first woman to burn her bra, but it would have taken the fire department four days to put it out."
9. "Home is where I hang my hair."
8. "It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen."
7. "Find out who you are and do it on purpose!"
6. "When I talk to a man, I can always tell what he's thinking by where he's looking. If he's looking at my eyes, he's looking for intelligence. If he's looking at my mouth, he's looking for wisdom. If he's looking anywhere else except my chest, he's looking for another man."
5. "It takes a lot of time and money to look this cheap."
4. "If I see something saggin', baggin', or draggin', I'm gone have it nipped, tucked, or sucked!"
3. "They think I'm simpleminded because I seem to be happy. Why shouldn't I be happy? I have everything I ever wanted and more. Maybe I am simpleminded. Maybe that's the key: simple."
2. "I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes, because I know I'm not dumb ... and I also know that I'm not blonde."
1. "That I can look totally artificial and be totally real is perfectly fine with me.''


Yes, these are actual quotes...I love this woman...She is just so down-to-earth!
From topfive.com

5. "...And this is Lady, Sam, Fluffy, Minkie, Bongo, and Oliver.
Now for the bedroom cats..."

4. Every time you go to a singles bar, Larry Bird and Scottie
Pippen are hogging all the action.

3. Sis just got married to Billy Bob Thornton.

2. The receptionist at the flatulence clinic always ignores
your advances.


And Topfive.com's Number 1 Possible
Reason You're Not Getting Laid...


1. Sure, you're a proud alumnus of Virginia Divinity, but the
VD sweatshirt has got to go.

Speaking without thinking...

Good morning! This is an email that I received this morning. I thought it was funny. Enjoy!

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

Here are reasons why you should think before you speak.Collapse )

Apr. 20th, 2012

I was in a cafe earlier, and I could hear music. As I really needed to fart, I thought letting it slip out to the time of the beat would be the best way for no one else to hear.
I let one go as beat played, and had a cheeky look around. No one could tell. I allowed myself a little grin as I popped a second one out and a third, and finally a fourth.
I noticed there was a cute blonde girl a couple tables over and caught her eye. I smiled at her, and she mouthed something back at me.
'What?' I said taking out my headphones
"You disgust me....' she replied
I couldn't take my eyes off this girl in the bar the other night. She had the most fantastic body I'd ever seen. It was only when she turned around though, that I saw how ugly her face was. Feeling a bit let down I got up to go the toilet, and by the time I got back, she had left.

Later on my mate passed me a piece of paper and said, "Oh... I forgot. That lass at the bar asked me to give you this." On it she'd written, "I saw you looking at me earlier.. Why don't you get in touch sometime," followed by her phone number.

The most amazing thing was that she had signed the note, "from Horseface."

I couldn't help but admire how she'd come to terms with the way she looked in such a self-deprecating and humorous way, so I decided to text her and ask for a date.

"Hi Horseface," I wrote, "I'd love to meet up sometime. Next Tuesday OK?"

I'd just fired off the text when my mate saw what I was doing and said, "You're not actually replying to that are you? Fucking hell, Dave! I only wrote Horseface on the bottom so you'd know it was that fucking ugly one!"
I'm really worried about my Parrot.
He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".

My room-mate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying.

Short one!

The teacher called little Johnny to her desk and said,

"The essay you wrote about your pet dog is word for word the same as your brothers. What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Of course it is!" Said little Johnny, "It's the same fucking dog!"
Imagine the scene back in man's early history. One man turns to the other and says 'Those things that come out of chicken's arse - boil for three minutes, very tasty.' The other one replies 'I don't like, the hard ones are much nicer.'
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1 : 00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,...........'Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold'
'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight......let's pretend that we're married'
'Wow!......................That's a great idea!' he exclaimed..
'Good,' she replied................'Get your own f...ing blanket.'
After a moment of silence, .........................he farted.
There was a man named Joe, and his wife, Tracy. Joe believed that Tracy was sleeping around with other men while Joe was at work. So one day, when Joe went to work, he waited ten minutes and came back to his house, pretending to have forgotten something. Joe lived in an apartment building, and all the apartments had a patio on one side. As he was coming into his house, he spotted a man hanging off of his patio. Thinking that the man had been sleeping with his wife and was running away, Joe was so mad that he picked up his refrigerator and threw it onto the man, killing him. Later, he felt so bad about the whole thing that he killed himself.

Up in heaven, Joe met up with two other men who introduced themselves as Derek and Adam. Joe thought he might know Derek, who looked like his fingers had been broken. Adam was very good-looking, and Joe was sure he didn't know him.

God came to let them in and said, "I only have room for one more, so the person with the best story gets in, okay?"

Joe went ahead and told the story above.

Derek, the one with the broken fingers, said, "I was potting flowers when I tripped and fell over the side of my patio. Luckily I caught myself on the patio below me. Then, all of a sudden, this refrigerator falls on me!"

Adam simply said,

"Imagine yourself naked, in a refrigerator."

Mar. 19th, 2012

How do you stop a man breaking into your house?

Replace the locks with bra fasteners!

^_^
A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back of the robber's head, knocking him unconscious.

"You probably saved my life," says the grateful Arab. "I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family and I have the power and money to give you anything you desire as a reward."

The golfer glances at his golf bag.

"Some golf clubs would be nice," he says.

Two weeks later, the sheikh's secretary calls him up.

"We've got your golf clubs," she says, "but the sheikh would like to apologise to you in advance: only three of them have swimming pools."
My daughter said, "Dad, can my new boyfriend come for tea?"
I said, "That depends sweetheart, what's his name?"
"Corey" She replied.
"Corey what?" I asked.
She said, "Corey Ossity."
I said, "I suppose so, but don't let him near the cat."

:)

Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed him "playing church" with their cat.

He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled and went about her work. A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back To the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water.

She called out, "Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!"

Johnny looked up at her and said, "He should have thought about that before he joined my church."

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