A sergeant major is inspecting his newest recruits and picks on one small lad in the front row.
"What's your name, Private?"
"Pizza."
"I don't think you heard me son. I didn't ask your favourite fucking food. What's your name?"
"Pizza."
"You think you're smart son? I don't want nicknames or any of that street shit. I want your name. The one your mummy gave you. This is your last chance. What is your fucking name."
"Pizza."
The sergeant grabs the helpless soldier and kicks the shit out of him then calls to another lad.
"Let this be a lesson to you all! Take this sack of shit to the medical room!"
"Yes sir" replies the soldier "And what shall I do with Pete's rifle?"

Once upon the time scientists have been investigating the structure of the mind of the people from different cultures. They placed the red brick in the middle of the big room and asked people from different countries to explain, what they are thinking about when they look at this brick.


First was Russian. He said: “When I see this brick, I am thinking about the Victory of the Communism in the World!”
- Why? How does it related?
- Because brick is very useful thing and it can help soviet people to build the Communism. We can use this brick for the construction of the hospital building. More bricks we have, sooner hospital will be built. Soviet people will be getting a good medical treatment at this hospital. Healthier soviet people will be, sooner the Communism in the World will be accomplished! So….. This brick, in fact, will be participating in the Victory of the Communism in the World!

Second was American. He said: “When I see this brick, I am thinking about the day when I will be rich!”
- Why? How does it related?
- I can sell this brick. Using this money, I will buy a lemon and I will make lemonade and sell it to the tourist. I will make some small money; I will use them to buy corn, to make a pop-corn and to sell to the people at the cinema and to make more money! After that I will buy a piece of land in the desert. One year after that, the geologists will find the oil in this desert, and I will be rich! This brick is, in fact, just a first step for me to become rich!
-

Third was a French man. He said: “When I see this brick, I am thinking about young sexy ladies…”
- What the hell! Why? How does it related?
- - Because I am always thinking about young sexy ladies……

"George, my sisters handwriting is very bad in this letter darling, is that an 'o' or an 'i'?"
"It's the letter 'o' dear"
"Oh my God my brother's shot himself"

Keeping a woman happy is very easy.

All you have to do is let them win every argument, let her go shopping on your credit card, tell her how beautiful she actually looks, keep texting or calling her every five minutes when you're away, never insult her driving skills and never behave like a sexist in front of her, make her feel like a princess, take care of her and cuddle her every night before she falls asleep in your arms.

Keeping a man happy is very easy.

All you have to do is keep their stomach full and their testicles empty.

My girlfriend said she's leaving me for another guy because I'm too obssesed with football.

I said, "On loan or transfer?"

10. "I wanted to be the first woman to burn her bra, but it would have taken the fire department four days to put it out."
9. "Home is where I hang my hair."
8. "It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen."
7. "Find out who you are and do it on purpose!"
6. "When I talk to a man, I can always tell what he's thinking by where he's looking. If he's looking at my eyes, he's looking for intelligence. If he's looking at my mouth, he's looking for wisdom. If he's looking anywhere else except my chest, he's looking for another man."
5. "It takes a lot of time and money to look this cheap."
4. "If I see something saggin', baggin', or draggin', I'm gone have it nipped, tucked, or sucked!"
3. "They think I'm simpleminded because I seem to be happy. Why shouldn't I be happy? I have everything I ever wanted and more. Maybe I am simpleminded. Maybe that's the key: simple."
2. "I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes, because I know I'm not dumb ... and I also know that I'm not blonde."
1. "That I can look totally artificial and be totally real is perfectly fine with me.''


Yes, these are actual quotes...I love this woman...She is just so down-to-earth!

From topfive.com

5. "...And this is Lady, Sam, Fluffy, Minkie, Bongo, and Oliver.
Now for the bedroom cats..."

4. Every time you go to a singles bar, Larry Bird and Scottie
Pippen are hogging all the action.

3. Sis just got married to Billy Bob Thornton.

2. The receptionist at the flatulence clinic always ignores
your advances.


And Topfive.com's Number 1 Possible
Reason You're Not Getting Laid...


1. Sure, you're a proud alumnus of Virginia Divinity, but the
VD sweatshirt has got to go.

Good morning! This is an email that I received this morning. I thought it was funny. Enjoy!

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

( Here are reasons why you should think before you speak. )

I was in a cafe earlier, and I could hear music. As I really needed to fart, I thought letting it slip out to the time of the beat would be the best way for no one else to hear.
I let one go as beat played, and had a cheeky look around. No one could tell. I allowed myself a little grin as I popped a second one out and a third, and finally a fourth.
I noticed there was a cute blonde girl a couple tables over and caught her eye. I smiled at her, and she mouthed something back at me.
'What?' I said taking out my headphones
"You disgust me....' she replied

I couldn't take my eyes off this girl in the bar the other night. She had the most fantastic body I'd ever seen. It was only when she turned around though, that I saw how ugly her face was. Feeling a bit let down I got up to go the toilet, and by the time I got back, she had left.

Later on my mate passed me a piece of paper and said, "Oh... I forgot. That lass at the bar asked me to give you this." On it she'd written, "I saw you looking at me earlier.. Why don't you get in touch sometime," followed by her phone number.

The most amazing thing was that she had signed the note, "from Horseface."

I couldn't help but admire how she'd come to terms with the way she looked in such a self-deprecating and humorous way, so I decided to text her and ask for a date.

"Hi Horseface," I wrote, "I'd love to meet up sometime. Next Tuesday OK?"

I'd just fired off the text when my mate saw what I was doing and said, "You're not actually replying to that are you? Fucking hell, Dave! I only wrote Horseface on the bottom so you'd know it was that fucking ugly one!"

I'm really worried about my Parrot.
He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".

My room-mate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying.

The teacher called little Johnny to her desk and said,

"The essay you wrote about your pet dog is word for word the same as your brothers. What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Of course it is!" Said little Johnny, "It's the same fucking dog!"

Imagine the scene back in man's early history. One man turns to the other and says 'Those things that come out of chicken's arse - boil for three minutes, very tasty.' The other one replies 'I don't like, the hard ones are much nicer.'

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1 : 00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,...........'Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold'
'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight......let's pretend that we're married'
'Wow!......................That's a great idea!' he exclaimed..
'Good,' she replied................'Get your own f...ing blanket.'
After a moment of silence, .........................he farted.

There was a man named Joe, and his wife, Tracy. Joe believed that Tracy was sleeping around with other men while Joe was at work. So one day, when Joe went to work, he waited ten minutes and came back to his house, pretending to have forgotten something. Joe lived in an apartment building, and all the apartments had a patio on one side. As he was coming into his house, he spotted a man hanging off of his patio. Thinking that the man had been sleeping with his wife and was running away, Joe was so mad that he picked up his refrigerator and threw it onto the man, killing him. Later, he felt so bad about the whole thing that he killed himself.

Up in heaven, Joe met up with two other men who introduced themselves as Derek and Adam. Joe thought he might know Derek, who looked like his fingers had been broken. Adam was very good-looking, and Joe was sure he didn't know him.

God came to let them in and said, "I only have room for one more, so the person with the best story gets in, okay?"

Joe went ahead and told the story above.

Derek, the one with the broken fingers, said, "I was potting flowers when I tripped and fell over the side of my patio. Luckily I caught myself on the patio below me. Then, all of a sudden, this refrigerator falls on me!"

Adam simply said,

"Imagine yourself naked, in a refrigerator."

How do you stop a man breaking into your house?

Replace the locks with bra fasteners!

^_^

A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back of the robber's head, knocking him unconscious.

"You probably saved my life," says the grateful Arab. "I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family and I have the power and money to give you anything you desire as a reward."

The golfer glances at his golf bag.

"Some golf clubs would be nice," he says.

Two weeks later, the sheikh's secretary calls him up.

"We've got your golf clubs," she says, "but the sheikh would like to apologise to you in advance: only three of them have swimming pools."

My daughter said, "Dad, can my new boyfriend come for tea?"
I said, "That depends sweetheart, what's his name?"
"Corey" She replied.
"Corey what?" I asked.
She said, "Corey Ossity."
I said, "I suppose so, but don't let him near the cat."

Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed him "playing church" with their cat.

He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled and went about her work. A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back To the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water.

She called out, "Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!"

Johnny looked up at her and said, "He should have thought about that before he joined my church."

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the
Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and
her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again??'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.

A little old lady gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, tough looking guy sits down next to her, grunts and falls asleep.

The lady starts to feel a bit airsick, but she's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can move so that she can go to the bathroom. She knows she can't climb over him so she just sits there, looking at him, trying to decide what to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and a huge wave of nausea passes through the lady. She can't hold it in any more and throws up all over the big guy's chest.

A few minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.

"So," says the lady, "are you feeling any better now?"

What did Jesus say to reject sexual advances from fat ugly women?

( answer )

Why did Jared Loughner shoot Gabrielle Giffords in the head and give her brain damage?

( answer )

Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!" Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!" Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest. Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her "Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your tits dry!!". "Oh no you don't", yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, "You're gonna eat me just like the story says!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A hugely obese guy goes into a restaurant with three young kids and orders a T-bone steak with numerous side orders and coke and cream cakes for the kids. After his meal, he orders coffee and a large cognac. He then asks the waitress to watch the kids for a minute while he nips out to the car to get his wallet.

After half an hour, the waitress says to the kids:

"Your daddy's taking his time."

"That's not our daddy," says the oldest child, "he just stopped us on the street and invited us in for coke and cream cakes."

Dear memebers of LJ community "Jokes", Another joke of 1970s about the naughty schoolboy Vovochka to you



http://youtu.be/ez2MTVqZS08

Dear members of the Community "Jokes",

another joke of 1970s about the naughty soviet schoolboy Vovochka for everybody whom is interested in the modern folklore

http://youtu.be/huOB-SOCZZM

"Now pay attention, 007. This may seem like ordinary petrol, but it actually costs three times as much."

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the path.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."
Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course.
A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me £20, or off it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."

You can always spot the bloke who never cops off at a New Year's Eve party.

He's the only one who knows all the words to Auld Lang Syne

--------

My New Year's resolutions:

2008: I will get my weight down below 170 pounds.
2009: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.
2010: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2011: I will work out three days a week.
2012: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

--------

At a new years party, Jack turns to his friend, Harry, and asks for a cigarette;

"I thought you made a new years resolution to quit smoking" Harry responds,

"I am in the process of quitting" replies Jack, "right now im in the middle of phase one,

"Phase one?" wonders Harry,

"Yeah" laughs Jack "I have quit buying".

----------

Tonight I made a new years resolution.

I promise, I swear on my families life, that tonight is the last time I will drink this year.

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a Drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then, one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally, he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my Boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my Socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her Boots.
"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

Congrats to Chris Morrow, this community's founder and longtime LJ member, for making the first page of cnn.com today:

http://ireport.cnn.com/blogs/ireport-blog/2011/12/27/an-ireporters-milestone?hpt=hp_c2

Way to go!

"Perfume, make-up and a justin bieber CD!!! thanks mum just what i've always wanted!'
"Jonathan you've opened your sisters presents"
'...ohhh errrr...'

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego ?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep
them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

"What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, “but we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."

Roses are red, nuts are brown,
Skirts go up, pants go down.
Body to body, skin to skin,
When it's stiff, stick it in.
It goes in dry and comes out wet,
and the longer it's in, the stronger it gets.
It comes out dripping and it starts to sag.
It's not what you think;

( Read more... )

Always give 100% at work:
12% Monday
23% Tuesday
40% Wednesday 
20%Thursday
5% Friday

Titles that never made it:

I was asked to man the phones at work the other day.

So I went round and drew a little moustache and a penis on all of them.

  Another Joke about the Naughty Soviet Boy Vovochka. This Joke is about the sexual experience of Vovochka

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T1TXfuy1qWw

I was talking to my seven year old son about Jesus.

He said, "Jesus couldn't have been real. At school we have had Sex Education lessons and a virgin birth is not possible".

I said, "What about all the things he did, like feeding the five thousand?"

He said, "At school we have had Home Economics lessons and it is not possible to slice five loaves of bread or two fishes thin enough to feed that many".

I said, "What about all the other things written about him, like walking on water?"

He said, "At school we have had Physics lessons and owing to the viscosity of water and its surface tension relative to the mass of a body and the force per square inch, it is impossible".

I said, "Okay, what about Moses parting the Red Sea?"

He said, "At school we have had Geography lessons and a volcanic erruption on the island of Santorini just north of Egypt probably caused a tidal wave which caused the waters to recede".

I said, "Okay, what about God's creation of the Universe, Earth and all the creatures on it?"

He said, "At school we have had Biology lessons and Darwin proved that animals evolved over time, thus disproving the Creationist Theory".

I said, "Okay, what about other things you believe in, like the Tooth Fairy?"

He said, "At school we have had Psychology lessons and we learnt that the Tooth Fairy was just a ploy by adults to help young children deal with pain and distress when losing a tooth".

I said, "Okay, what about Father Christmas?"

He said, "I want a train set and an iPad 2".

The Day P. Niss asked for a Raise

I, P. Niss, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,
P. Niss

The Response..
Dear P. Niss:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely, V. Gina