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To be 6 again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the
Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and
her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again??'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.

Mar. 4th, 2012

A little old lady gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, tough looking guy sits down next to her, grunts and falls asleep.

The lady starts to feel a bit airsick, but she's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can move so that she can go to the bathroom. She knows she can't climb over him so she just sits there, looking at him, trying to decide what to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and a huge wave of nausea passes through the lady. She can't hold it in any more and throws up all over the big guy's chest.

A few minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.

"So," says the lady, "are you feeling any better now?"

Mar. 2nd, 2012

What did Jesus say to reject sexual advances from fat ugly women?

answerCollapse )

Feb. 27th, 2012

Why did Jared Loughner shoot Gabrielle Giffords in the head and give her brain damage?

answerCollapse )

i love dirty jokes

Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!" Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!" Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest. Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her "Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your tits dry!!". "Oh no you don't", yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, "You're gonna eat me just like the story says!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A hugely obese guy goes into a restaurant with three young kids and orders a T-bone steak with numerous side orders and coke and cream cakes for the kids. After his meal, he orders coffee and a large cognac. He then asks the waitress to watch the kids for a minute while he nips out to the car to get his wallet.

After half an hour, the waitress says to the kids:

"Your daddy's taking his time."

"That's not our daddy," says the oldest child, "he just stopped us on the street and invited us in for coke and cream cakes."

Vovochka and King Kong

Dear memebers of LJ community "Jokes", Another joke of 1970s about the naughty schoolboy Vovochka to you



http://youtu.be/ez2MTVqZS08
Dear members of the Community "Jokes",

another joke of 1970s about the naughty soviet schoolboy Vovochka for everybody whom is interested in the modern folklore

http://youtu.be/huOB-SOCZZM
"Now pay attention, 007. This may seem like ordinary petrol, but it actually costs three times as much."

Jan. 12th, 2012

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the path.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."
Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course.
A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me £20, or off it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."

New Year Jokes

You can always spot the bloke who never cops off at a New Year's Eve party.

He's the only one who knows all the words to Auld Lang Syne

--------

My New Year's resolutions:

2008: I will get my weight down below 170 pounds.
2009: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.
2010: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2011: I will work out three days a week.
2012: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

--------

At a new years party, Jack turns to his friend, Harry, and asks for a cigarette;

"I thought you made a new years resolution to quit smoking" Harry responds,

"I am in the process of quitting" replies Jack, "right now im in the middle of phase one,

"Phase one?" wonders Harry,

"Yeah" laughs Jack "I have quit buying".

----------

Tonight I made a new years resolution.

I promise, I swear on my families life, that tonight is the last time I will drink this year.

Oldie but goodie!

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a Drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then, one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally, he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my Boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my Socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her Boots.
"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
Congrats to Chris Morrow, this community's founder and longtime LJ member, for making the first page of cnn.com today:

http://ireport.cnn.com/blogs/ireport-blog/2011/12/27/an-ireporters-milestone?hpt=hp_c2

Way to go!
"Perfume, make-up and a justin bieber CD!!! thanks mum just what i've always wanted!'
"Jonathan you've opened your sisters presents"
'...ohhh errrr...'

The road to San Diego

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego ?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep
them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

"What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, “but we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."
Roses are red, nuts are brown,
Skirts go up, pants go down.
Body to body, skin to skin,
When it's stiff, stick it in.
It goes in dry and comes out wet,
and the longer it's in, the stronger it gets.
It comes out dripping and it starts to sag.
It's not what you think;

Read more...Collapse )

Moose hunting in Maine

ATTENTION GOLFERS

  1. Keep Your Back Straight, Knees Bent & Feet Shoulder-Width Apart.
  2. Form a Loose Grip.
  3. Keep Your Head Down.
  4. Avoid a Quick Backswing.
  5. Stay Out of the Water.
  6. Try Not to Hit Anyone.
  7. If You are Taking Too Long, Let Others Go Ahead of You.
  8. Don't Stand Directly in Front of Others.
  9. Quiet Please... While Others are Preparing.
10. Don't Take Extra Strokes.
WELL DONE! NOW FLUSH THE URINAL & GO PLAY GOLF.

Work Joke

Always give 100% at work:
12% Monday
23% Tuesday
40% Wednesday 
20%Thursday
5% Friday

Children Book titles

Titles that never made it:
  • You Were an Accident
  • Strangers Have the Best Candy
  • The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
  • The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
  • Your Nightmares Are Real!
  • Grandpa Gets a Casket
  • Dad’s New Wife, Robert
  • Curious George and the High Voltage Fence
  • The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
  • Whining, Kicking and Screaming To Get Your Way
  • What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
  • Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
  • Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

I was asked to man the phones at work the other day.

So I went round and drew a little moustache and a penis on all of them.
  Another Joke about the Naughty Soviet Boy Vovochka. This Joke is about the sexual experience of Vovochka

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T1TXfuy1qWw
I was talking to my seven year old son about Jesus.

He said, "Jesus couldn't have been real. At school we have had Sex Education lessons and a virgin birth is not possible".

I said, "What about all the things he did, like feeding the five thousand?"

He said, "At school we have had Home Economics lessons and it is not possible to slice five loaves of bread or two fishes thin enough to feed that many".

I said, "What about all the other things written about him, like walking on water?"

He said, "At school we have had Physics lessons and owing to the viscosity of water and its surface tension relative to the mass of a body and the force per square inch, it is impossible".

I said, "Okay, what about Moses parting the Red Sea?"

He said, "At school we have had Geography lessons and a volcanic erruption on the island of Santorini just north of Egypt probably caused a tidal wave which caused the waters to recede".

I said, "Okay, what about God's creation of the Universe, Earth and all the creatures on it?"

He said, "At school we have had Biology lessons and Darwin proved that animals evolved over time, thus disproving the Creationist Theory".

I said, "Okay, what about other things you believe in, like the Tooth Fairy?"

He said, "At school we have had Psychology lessons and we learnt that the Tooth Fairy was just a ploy by adults to help young children deal with pain and distress when losing a tooth".

I said, "Okay, what about Father Christmas?"

He said, "I want a train set and an iPad 2".
The Day P. Niss asked for a Raise

I, P. Niss, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,
P. Niss

The Response..
Dear P. Niss:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely, V. Gina

Nov. 28th, 2011

My wife found a pair of knickers in my coat pocket this morning.
She held them up and said, "Where the hell are they from?"
I said, "I've got no idea, read the label."
During our day at the lake, my mate asked, "What's the biggest fish you've ever caught?"

"Have you ever seen the film Jaws?"

"Yeah."

"Well it was about the same size as the box the DVD comes in."
A man went into a supermarket, got 3 cans of dog food, and walked up to the checkout.

The cashier asks the man, "Sir, do you own a dog?"
The man replies, "Yes I do."
The cashier then asks, "Do you have the dog with you?"
The man replies, "No, I left it at home."
The cashier then says, "I'm sorry, but I can't sell you this dog food unless I see your dog."
A few days later the man walks into the same store, gets 3 cans of cat food, and walks up to the checkout.
The same cashier asks, "Sir, do you own a cat?"
The man replies, "Yes I do."
The cashier then asks, "Do you have your cat with you?"
And the man replies, "No, I left it at home."
Then the cashier says, "I'm sorry, but I can't sell you this cat food unless I see your cat."
A few days later the man walks into the store, this time carrying a paper bag. He walks up to the same cashier, and asks him to put his hand into the bag.
The cashier says, "It feels warm, soft, and gooey."
The man then says, "Now, can I go back and get 3 rolls of toilet paper?"
A big busty bird caught my eye in the supemarket.
She smiled.
I smiled back.
I pondered for a while then I thought, f* it, I'm going to go for it.
I said, "Hey there, I don't usually do this but I don't suppose you fancy grabbing a coffee?"
"Sure." She smiled, "Where?"

"Just behind you." I replied, "A jar of that Maxwell House."
My wife walked into the bedroom to find me dressed in a Gladiator outfit.

"You f* idiot!" She sighed, "I said I wanted more ROMANCE in our relationship."
16> Your skin is a pale, deathly shade of off-white, and you're
not a Michael Jackson impersonator.

15> You're anxiously awaiting People Magazine's "Sexiest Neck
Alive" issue.

14> The wife sends you to the farmers' market and you come home
with blood oranges, blood sausage and a live goat.

13> You keep getting backed over by drivers using their rearview
mirrors.

12> A Bloody Mary is no longer just a cocktail.

11> You suck the life out of everything around you, and your name
isn't Tom Cruise.

10> Sunburns are WAY more painful than they used to be.

9> It took you three freakin' hours to find your way out of the
carnival's house of mirrors.

8> Kids switching from calling you "dork" to "Count Dorkula."

7> You are suddenly all sparkly. Not drag-queen sparkly, mind
you. Well, maybe kinda.

6> You still look like a goth kid, but now you're swimming in
punani.

5> You hire an extra tax accountant to ensure you don't end up
in the same cell as Wesley Snipes.

4> You're 104 years old and dating teenage girls. And nobody
calls you "Hef."

3> You crap yourself as you hit the garlic bread section at
Safeway.

2> Your pale skin hasn't seen the sun in two weeks and you
subsist on a liquid diet, but you don't play "World of
Warcraft."

And last, but not least....

1> You've shifted your women-rating system from jugs to jugulars.

New Russian and a new tie.

Russian joke of 1990s about New Russians.

New Russian and the new tie.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rfGjZ4dh1MY
I will never forget the three words of wisdom my dad gave me that got me through University,and gained me a first class degree.

Google, copy and paste.
I am a social drinker.

And by that I mean whenever someone says they're having a drink I say "Social I"

Nov. 18th, 2011

So this guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Give me two single whiskies"
"Sure" the bartender replies, "do you want them both now or one at a time?"
"Oh, both now" replies the guy, "one's for me and one's for my little friend here" and with that the guy pulls a three inch tall man out of his shirt pocket.
The Bartender looked at the little man in amazement and asked, "Can he drink?"
"Sure" replied the guy and with that the three inch tall man supped back his whiskey.
"That's amazing" replied the bartender, "what else can he do? Can he walk?"
With that the guy flips a quarter down to the other end of the bar and asks the little fella to get it. Sure enough, he runs down the bar and retrieves the coin, picks it up and jogs back to the guy.
"That really is amazing" replied the bartender, "Can he talk?"
"Of course" says the guy, "Hey Jim, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you called that witch-doctor a w***er

Nov. 18th, 2011

A guy walks into a crowded bar with a little spider on his shoulder. Everyone else laughs, but he says "This spider is stronger than any of you!"
One bloke says "Prove it!"
"Right; my spider will pick up this bar stool." He puts the spider on the floor and the spider picks it up. Everyone is amazed, but then he says "Now the spider will pick up a table." And the spider easily picks up the table. Everyone applauds, and the guy says "That's nothing - this tiny spider will lift up the whole bar!" With a great effort, it picks up the bar.
"What else can it do?" one of the blokes asks. So the man says "For the grand finale - it will pick up the bar with every one of us on it!" Everyone starts to get onto the bar untill everyone in there is standing on it.
The spider starts walking towards the bar with an air of determination. Then, a man walks into the bar, sees the spider on the floor walking towards the bar, and steps on it, saying "You bunch of wimps, scared of a little spider."
My next door neighbour told me to stop following her around everywhere or she'd call the police.
"You wouldn't do that, would you?" I asked.
"Watch me," she replied.
"No. You said you'd call the police."
Rush hour. The bus is jam-packed. A young lady says to the man behind her, "If you keep pressing your 'thing' against my thigh, I'll scream so loud you won't know what hit you."

"Excuse me, but that is not my 'thing', it's my wallet and it contains a whole month's wages."

"Well you must have a great job then. In the last five minutes alone you've been given a pay rise and your f* Christmas bonus."
I took my young son to the zoo yesterday. We were at the monkey enclosure, which was very busy, but we managed to squeeze to the front to see what was happening.

One of the baby monkeys was picking its arse and eating its shit.

My son pointed and said, "Daddy! That monkey's doing what you do at home!"

I got a few looks of disgust from the other parents.

"What are you talking about, son?" I said, pleading my innocence. "I don't pick my bum and eat poo..."

"I don't mean the baby monkey," he replied. "I'm pointing at the daddy monkey behind him, hitting the mummy monkey."
As my daughter had reached fourteen I decided it was time to explain the facts of life to her.

"But dad, I know all about sex" she exclaimed.

"Who's talking about sex?" I replied "I want to tell you how the government are f* us over"
Dear members of LJ Community Jokes,

I wold like to present you another russian Joke of 1990s abiout New Russians;*

The joke is about the 5 New Russian and the Professor of the University



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SlVt05k7V2U

The Pilot and the Priest

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven? '

The guy replies, 'I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.'

'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?'

'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'
Flooding in thailand is getting worse, they interviewed a lady who just emerged from the water, and she reckoned it came right up to her bollocks!
Jack was always annoying his friends with his everlasting optimism. How bad or terrible something was, he always said: 'It could have been worse'

To get rid of that nasty habbit, his friends decided to make up a situation so bad, so terrible, that even Jack could not find anything positive in it.

When they saw Jack the next day, one of his friends said: 'Jack, have you heard about Tom? He came home last night and found his wife in bed with another man. He shot them both, and killed himself afterwards.

'Terrible', said Jack, 'but...it could have been worse'

'Even worse', his friends said, 'how!?'

'Well', said Jack, 'If it had happened one night before, I would have been dead now!'

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